[Authors note: This was written as a speech...it reads slightly better if you're extremely animated, standing in front of a crowd, and very wired on caffeine, as I usually am. The main points still hold true, however.]

Shhhh! We're having a drill. I'll be Anne Frank and you be the Nazis, pretend I'm not upstairs, okay. And, pretend my hand is a diary—something... [writes on hand] Dear Kitty, I long for the day when I can just be myself, a girl going crazy in an attic. Please send Oreos and Kotex. Yours, Anne. [hand down, disbelief]

Oh come on…Don't worry it was just make believe…no, not the Holocaust--me having "woman time". Yeah, I'm not really Anne Frank- I'm Katy Baxter- but the Nazis may as well be after me because a new wave of Jew-hatin' is gripping the United States, Europe, and even the Middle East. Shocking, I know. The February 24th 2004 Jerusalem Post again, shocking—a Jewish girl citing a Jewish source on a Jewish topic on this Passover holiday…how apropos, how topical my humor. The article explains that unlike the classic anti-Semitism that we all know and love, new anti-Semitism has been given legitimacy under the veil of anti-Israelism. This new anti-Semitism is understandably disturbing, mainly because it distracts us from hating other groups, like gays and blacks.
OKAY!!! Disclaimer time! Yes, this speech is going to make light of some serious issues. The way I figure it, since holocaust humor helped Jews survive the camps, what better way to deal with the new wave of anti-Jewish sentiment than by mocking it. Humor is healing.

So in order to save my Hebrew ass- seeing as how, if I were male, my foreskin would be a lost cause, and prevent the further spread of global hate we will first discover why you be hatin' on my peeps, second the effects of all this shower time, and finally we'll board the train for some final solutions. Oh boy, there ain't nothing funnier than genocide….right?I'm going to hell- if we believed in it.

So, what makes Jews such attractive targets? Well I know why this Jew is so attractive and..[winks] knock it off you can't even see my Hanukkah bush from there.The November 30, 2003, New York Times contends that this new brand of anti-Semitism is caused by two things: a caustic mixture of old school hate and a blurring of the line between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism. Put them together and you get soap.

First, Jews are still getting crucified because hatin' on the Jews has been hip for eons. The December 8th 2003, San Diego Union Tribune reveals an Anti-Defamation League report that shows we've been rollin along for decades on "an undercurrent of Jewish hatred." That same report shows, "17 percent of Americans – or about 35 million adults—hold views about Jews that are unquestionably anti-Semitic. "Abraham Foxman, super Jew and CPA, explains in his 2003 book "Never Again?", that the old "stereotypes like Jews control, Jews are only interested in themselves" and Jews are Horas- no that's my sister, haha- still pervade society. We still have the Klan, we still have Neo-Nazis, we still have compassionate conservatives. Proof that old school hate still grips is still alive and kicking..like Christopher Reeve. Minus the kicking. Shit, and the alive. Ok, its still alive and well, unlike 6 million of my people, is that better? Kinda like Woody Allen gripping onto the hope that he still has at least two fans.And, by fans, I mean wives, and by wives, I mean daughters.

Second, the blurring of the line between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism has made Jew hatin' more common than Michelle Kwan getting second place. There's always Miss Saigon on Ice. For about, hmm forever Christians, Jews and Muslims have been fighting over the land which is now the state of Israel. Yet, as the Nov. 22, 2003 Economist explains, rather than criticizing the Israeli settlement practices- or Zionism-, Christians and Muslims have begun directing their attacks at Jews, themselves. Now, let me get this straight—they're fighting over desert? Sorry, my humor is a little dryThe problem only continues to grow when countries not even connected with dispute get involved and start spreading this message of hate. BBC News of October 20, 2003, reports that at a meeting of 57 Arab Nations, Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamed said, the 1.3 billion Muslims of the world must not be defeated by a few million Jews, in effect starting a holy war against Judaism. Thus creating another Jewish holiday. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. By blurring the line between Jews and Israelis, confusing ethnicity and nationality, Mohamed created a dangerous political condition in which religious persecution is fun for the whole family. It's Saturday kids, time to stone the Zuckermans.

This resurgence of good ol' boy-Trent Lott style-uncircumcised-hate isn't good for Jews or gentiles. The effects of this new-wave of anti-Semitism are scarier than sharing gum with a syphilitic whore. It creates duh duh duh…no…really three d's demonization, double standards, and diplomacy deficits.

First, this new Anti-Semitism allows for the demonization of Jews. The November 3, 2003, US News and World Report, reports that today "the intensity of anti-Jewish invective equals or surpasses that of Nazi Germany in its heyday." Synagogue bombings, beatings, and hate speech are becoming just as common today as they were 60 years ago. Jeez, my people are more screwed than a man having a heart attack in the Church of Scientology. All across Europe there has been a resurgence of violence against Jews. "Paris saw something like a dozen anti-Jewish incidents a day in the first several months after Easter, but then she went back to making her amateur porn.

Worse yet, we have pulled a total Helen Keller by turning a blind eye and deaf ear to this current increase in anti-Semitism, and as a result, double standards have sneaked back into politics the same way Roman Polanski is planning to sneak back in to get his Oscar and Dakota Fanning. In other words, Israel is getting the short end of the stick.The previously cited Jerusalem Post draws our attention to the fact that Israel has been "singled out by the United Nations for human rights abuses when tried and true abusers like China, Iran, and Cuba are ignored."Now, I'm not saying that Israel is above criticism—but, when "anti-Semitism can hide behind the veneer of criticism of Israel, it is much more difficult to see." Like an albino in a white-out factory.

Finally, anti-Semitism is posed to harm America's diplomatic relations with other countries—you got it!The new wave of anti-Semitism threatens all Americans, not just not just us hebs. Yeah, that's what we call each other. Like when I'm at a kegger at Hillel and want another beer, alls I've got to say is, "Hey heb! Brew!"The Jerusalem Report of January 26, 2004 laments, "Anti-Semitism has been transformed into hatred of America, because of Washington's support for Israel…and its alleged war on Islam." So, every American, not just Jews, is feeling the burn. Pun intended.

Fortunately for us this train doesn't have to stop at Aushwitz. There are some things we can all do to stop the spread of global hate. It is simple just JEW it. Catchy huh. Trust me, the Hebrew alphabet is really different. First, we need to bring the blurry line between Anti-Semitism and Anti-Israel-ism into focus. That's why I'm giving you all these glasses (authors note: I hand out 3D glasses during the speech) so you'll be able to spot the 3Ds of Jew hatin and make this a safer place for Jew and me. Even if you think you are a Jew lover, you are probably guilty of failing to recognize modern-day anti-Semitism. Trust me, with these glasses you'll see things you've never seen before.

Once we bring anti-Semitism into focus, we each need to take personal action to finally bring an end to the hate. You can start by adding your name to the list of members of the Anti-Defamation League—cause the list is life. Join the ADL's efforts to end anti-Semitism by perusing their website at www.adl.org. The Tikkun from Nov/Dec 2003 writes that "Renouncing hatred, in all forms, is the only thing that will save us." Well, that and turning off the gas. I'm not asking you to write your Congressman or boycott a company. I am just asking you to quit hating people.

Today we've entertained ourselves in the attic and learned how to deal with the rickets by examining the causes of new anti-Semitism, the effects it has on our society, and finally some ways to solve it. The first wave of anti-semitism resulted in over six million deaths, among them my relatives. You know, you'd think we'd have learned our lesson, but the virus of anti-semitism, kinda like Bruce Willis, dies hard. It is up to us to sochor--it's Hebrew for remember. Because if we remember, it will never happen again. Now, join hands and sing-a-long. If you don't know the words, follow the bouncing matsa ball. You kinda need the glasses to see em. Hey Jew, don't be afraid, it is safe now, you can leave the attic. Remember Mel Gibson was once Mad Max, and if you act, anti-Semitism will be dead forever. Han-na-na-kah-a-a-a. Mazel tov. Goodbye.